Mom Reads to Escape Reality: My Grief is Strong

My heart is broken!! I have watched love ones die before but have never felt this grief before in my life. Our beloved, Tori, crossed over to the Rainbow Bridge on Saturday and I haven't been the same since. She was such a big part of our family! My first baby, who was born on November 5, 2003! Matt and I rescued her from a Boxer Rescue in January of 2004. It was between her and her sister, Emily. Emily was wild and crazy while Victoria came over and laid down in my lap! I knew who was going home with me that day!! Later that evening, she showed her true colors and was a little wild too! But that was okay, our hearts were sold on this baby girl!

Tori started to get ill in early April of this year. She was suffering from Cushings Disease. Tori was losing hair, had cysts and sores on her body and was always thirsty and hungry. On a funny side note, she didn't have hair on her tail for a while but last week it started to grow back. I like to think her body was preparing itself for Heaven. She had suffered a back injury in 2011 and struggled from that. She did pretty good until this year. You could tell that her back legs were tired and giving out on her. She struggled to get up from the kitchen floor, where she loved to lay because it was cooler. We would have to plant her two front legs on a rug and then boost her up. Some days, she would bare her teeth at us to show that she was in pain and not ready to get up. So we just let her lay and let us know when she needed our help. Tori took 2 pain pills a day to help relieve the stiffness in her legs and overall pain. I think it helped some days but not always. I begin to notice that she was struggling some days to get up from the carpet. She would have to twist her little body around to get those back legs to get up. I hated this for her and kept telling myself that I needed to help her get out of her misery so to speak before she became too bad and full of pain.

Matt and I noticed this week that she was losing control of her front legs. She would just fall flat on the floor after trying to get up. It was so sad! I was in denial for a long time on what to do but finally saw it with my own eyes when she was outside and became trapped in the grass. She fell down and couldn't get up at all. Before I got out there to help, she gave me the saddest look. She looked so defeated and tired. I knew in my heart what we had to do for her!

Our daughter was visiting my in laws for the week in a town over 3 hours a way. My sweet mother in law made sure to get her home on Friday so we could celebrate Tori's life! Tori always loved strawberry cake and was a icing addict! She could smell a cake from a mile away and was always there to look off the spatula full of icing. I would bake her a strawberry cake every year for her birthday. She would eat it with no issues. Again, not sure if I ever told you this, but this dog lived to tell about her adventures of eating 17 Krispy Kreme donuts around Thanksgiving and then again later ate a box of Girl Scout Smores cookie! She loved to eat about anything! Some of her favorites besides cake and icing were green beans, sweet potato fries, apples, avocados, smoked turkey sausage, cheese and bananas. You could tell when she had a banana or cheese! Ha!! Let's just say, her toots were legendary!

We baked Tori her strawberry cake on Friday night and she enjoyed a big healthy piece of it. She had stopped eating her 3 meals a day and was only down to one, so this cake was her only meal that day. We shared memories with her and she had 3 neighbor families come over to say good bye. What a dog!! She was so loved by everyone on our street! We would just let her roam the street most days with us closely by. She had became deaf this year, so she was basically the perfect dog, who no longer barked or wanted to chase after people or animals.

Saturday morning came too soon and it was time to let our girl go. She enjoyed one last walk around the back yard, another piece of cake and plenty of kisses and snuggles. I think she knew it was time and was saying good bye in her own way. She went so peacefully and easy. I know in my heart, it was the right thing to do. She is no longer in any pain but I have been really struggling if it was too soon, did we do the right thing and etc. It's horrible! I am praying that I find peace in my heart soon and know it was the right thing. She is happy and running around in Heaven pain free! The hardest part is coming home and no longer seeing that face! Our pantry looks so empty without the food & water bowl. I feel like I have no purpose with her gone. My mom sums it up to her being sick and I was her primary care giver for so long. I know I will find my way back but right now my heart hurts and I am so tired.

Matt did see a rainbow yesterday on a road trip and a few miles down the road the sky was clear. I would like to think that is Tori telling us that she is okay and for us to be happy for her! So I am choosing to smile for a little bit and I will admit, rainbows are now my new favorite thing!